08 February 2010

If you're not first, you're last...in Space!

If you've ever seen Tallageda Nights then you may understand how I feel about EVE Online.



You see, EVE is a game where nearly anything is possible but it takes a lot of time and effort to bring that anything to fruition. Time and effort is something I don't really have and kind of don't want to put into a game but let's face it, being a kingpin crime boss space pirate would be pretty cool. Lording over a fleet of Star Destroyer sized capital ships and using them to dominate an opposing faction that you have slowly crippled through the use of espionage, fiscal dominance, and brute force and then watching it all unfold from your mother ship, just like Darth Vader, would be pretty cool too. But the Dark Lord of the Sith had to dedicate his life, lose his wife and kids, and kill a helluva lot of people to get to the top. It's like that in EVE too. You have to spend a lot of real time training your skills and even more real time gaining resources via either mining (as boring as it sounds), ratting (killing NPC ships), mission running, trading, or using people like pawns through corporate leadership. None of these are much of a break from the traditional MMOG grind, save the latter, which is dubious and very difficult. Oh, you can do this stuff with friends and ease the pain, even get with a nice corporation who can support you, but at the end of the day it's a long way to the top if you want to rock in EVE.


Every now and again, though, EVE comes knocking on my door like a drunk ex girlfriend at three in the morning who just got through watching a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan marathon. The idea of being a space pirate lord of shooty ships sticks in my imagination my popcorn kernel in my throat and I have to get it out. Even after the trial has run out and I'm again convinced that while EVE is a great and interesting game, it's just not for me, it keeps trying to suck me back in. Let's get back to my initial comparison:

Ricky: "Are you in the hot tub?"
Cal: "Answer me this: When you're in spa mode, how come the water level drops in the spa?"
Ricky: "Let me ask you this: Are you pressing the buttons in the back panel or in the kitchen?"
Cal: "I just started pressing stuff."
Ricky: "Hey, don't press all those buttons."
Cal: "I'm getting bored, man. You wanna come over and play G.I. Joes?"
Ricky: "I would love to. No! Come on. You know what? Screw you, man."
Cal: "Ricky, man, you gotta cross over the anger bridge and come back to the friendship shore."
Ricky: "'Cross over the anger bridge'?"
Cal: "Yeah, that's where you're at. You're stuck on the anger bridge."
Ricky: "Can you not see why I'm stuck on the anger bridge? Look, I don't know why I'm talking to you, okay? What is it?"
Cal: "They got bottomless nachos at Bennigan's"
Ricky: "God, a whole mess of nachos sounds good right now. Shoot, you know, I don't have a car no more. Can you come get me?"
Cal: "Yeah, I'll come get you. Which one of your cars do you miss the most. I bring that one."
Ricky: "Well, I miss the Hummer."
Cal: "I'm coming in the Hummer. Are you ready?"
Ricky: "Yeah. No, wait. Okay, our friendship is done. Alright? You hear me?"
Cal: "You know you wanna hang out in your house. Come on."
Ricky: "Screw you, dude. I'm hanging up. Okay, that's it. Bye."
So it is with EVE. I have to start screening my phone calls, change the locks, maybe even take out a restraining order because the appeal of the game is so rich. However, if you want to rule the galaxy you gotta put in some hard time, which I and many others just don't have. Somehow the dirty so-and-so starts to rope me back in. Let's look at the above quote with some modifications so you can see what I mean.

Ricky: "Are you [killing Angel Cartel rats in Geminate]?"
Cal: "Answer me this: When you're in [probe scanner] mode, how come the [power] level drops in the [capacitor]?"
Ricky: "Let me ask you this: Are you pressing the buttons in the [microwarp drive] or in the [probe launcher]?"
Cal: "I just started pressing stuff."
Ricky: "Hey, don't press all those buttons."
Cal: "I'm getting bored, man. You wanna come over and [pirate some ore haulers]?"
Ricky: "I would love to. No! Come on. You know what? Screw you, man."
Cal: "[Derek], man, you gotta cross over the anger [stargate] and come back to the friendship [wormhole]."
Ricky: "'Cross over the anger [stargate]'?"
Cal: "Yeah, that's where you're at. You're stuck on the anger [stargate. You're being camped by reality]."
Ricky: "Can you not see why I'm stuck on the anger [stargate]? Look, I don't know why I'm talking to you, okay? What is it?"
Cal: "They got bottomless [ore haulers] at Bennigan's"
Ricky: "God, a whole mess of [exploded mining ships and riches] sounds good right now. Shoot, you know, I don't have a [subscription] no more. Can you come get me?"
Cal: "Yeah, I'll come get you. Which one of your [ships] do you miss the most. I bring that one."
Ricky: "Well, I miss the [Brutix]."
Cal: "I'm coming in the [Brutix]. Are you ready?"
Ricky: "Yeah. No, wait. Okay, [your hegemonizing of my social life] is done. Alright? You hear me?"
Cal: "You know you wanna hang out in [in the coolest space game ever]. Come on."
Ricky: "Screw you, dude. I'm [canceling my subscription though I'll probably resub next year anyway]. Okay, that's it. Bye."
Sorry EVE, I'm closing the anger stargate. I'm sure I'll be back when Incarna lets me play Hold 'Em in stations and gives my pirate band a home base but until they, stay out of my hot tub.

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