11 June 2013

30


I originally wrote this several months ago, when I'd just hit a certain age. It comes in two parts: a first and a second, so it serves as a before and after. Let's go.

Yes, that's a moustache cake.
I thought I was, or would be, immune to the minor crisis some people have when they turn 30. After all, I haven't felt my age since I probably turned 22 or something and I generally don't care too much about The Number, at least consciously. In fact, I'd begun to think of myself as 30 since my wife hit that milestone not too long ago. And lo, about a week ago I start feeling weird. A little depressed, a little despondent, generally bewildered. I thought that my diet was affecting me, or the overall sleep deprivation of having both of my gals get sick had finally overthrown the rational parts of my brain (their defenses are pretty miserly).

Then, during the oft-times contemplative morning walk, it hit me: I'm turning 30. A lot of people have a hard time with that; am I one of them?

Apparently so! At least a bit, anyway. The usual red flag thoughts cropped up in my mind - what am I doing (living)? I have no "career" of which to speak (yes you do). This is not where I want to be living (who cares?). I'm not a real grown up (seriously?). The usual existential funk-type stuff. I recover from those throughts pretty quickly, but the feelings stuck around.

Also, I cannot write. The book I've been so desperately trying to finish has ground to a halt. Blog entries for church yield nothing, nor do my articles for a Lord of the Rings blog. I'd rather play games and watch dumb stuff on YouTube or read Wil Wheaton's blog. Maybe I'm looking up to an older geek for some wisdom? Who knows.

When I was a much younger fellow, we watched a lot of MTV. MTV was good back then. They played music videos (gasp) and had fun programming like The State. One of the interludes they played during commercial breaks was this bizarre, silhouetted Frenchman who would rant for about 30 seconds on how bad things were. Then he would conclude with, "Ah...it will pass..."

That line, "it will pass", has stuck with me since then. It's probably teamed up with my general desire to ignore feelings and avoid conflict and thusly caused a lot of problems, but it's served me well at other points. And that's the stance I'm taking with Crisis 30; it will pass. Maybe I'll have a metldown at some point, probably not. Until then, I will stand in the waves and let the tide roll away.

And it turns out (this is the after part), the waves push toward a goodly current. I see good things beyond 30. I'm at a good weight and exercising regularly and building better eating habits. I'm writing more and better. I feel more peaceful, or at least feel like I'm beginning to feel more peaceful. Most people, people who have pursued Truth anyways, say that life gets better as they age and that they have very little wish to return to their youth. I've pretty much always agreed with that, but now it's becoming more real. Who's up for 40?

1 comment:

Andrew Isley said...

Your final paragraph is perfect. I feel the exact same way. As someone who just turned 30, I can't say that the number is really getting me down. But all the other sideways thoughts that go with it are becoming real.

I take solace in the fact that I'm writing and reading more than ever (even if I'm not doing it enough). I'm for real exercising with regularity (even if I could stand to lose a few more pounds). And my family life feels more complete than it ever has.

Sounds like things are going pretty well in your life if you ask me.